Raven's Rumination
by TheAnonymousNobody
Summary: Raven thinks about her relationship with Robin and their feelings for each other through recent events and a series of flashbacks.


Okay, I have to get this out. I'm aching and aching so much for intimacy…oh, who am I kidding? I want sex and I want it badly, weirder yet, I want it with Robin…maybe its because he's said he likes me and desires me, I'm just not sure its in that way. I feel like that might be the case, but who knows?

 _We'd been having a particularly bad battle with Cinderblock and that big blockhead managed to overturn several cars and do extensive damage to some buildings, destabilizing their foundations. Luckily, the block was slated for demolition, but it was no less dangerous. Cyborg and Beast Boy were hitting him with all they had. Starfire was still frosty with Robin, but was nevertheless thankful when he jumped in to stop her from getting slammed into a metal beam. I managed to catch the scene out of the corner of my eye before bring two large slabs of concrete from the pavement crashing into him. He was down, certainly weakened, but not out. Beast Boy took the opportunity to hit him as a rhino as Cyborg blasted him. In retaliation for the hit, he pounded the ground and caused the road to fracture scattering us all. Since I was in the air, I managed to recover the quickest. Robin, however, was not so fortunate. I turned just in time to see him hit a metal pole dead center as some remaining stone and building debris rained down on him. Acting quickly, I shielded him with my powers until I could fly over to him. He was disoriented and stayed down as I knelt beside him._

" _Starfire! Beast Boy! Keep him distracted!" I yelled. "Cyborg help me with this!" With one hand around Robin and the other covered in my magic, I bent the steel beams into a kind of coffin shaped cage._

" _I gotcha Rae!" Cyborg jumped and helped me bend the beams._

 _Robin made small noises and groans of pain. There was blood dripping from his forehead, staining my hand with sticky red._

" _Beast Boy! Hit him over here!" Giving me a salute, he transformed into a T-rex and whacked Cinderblock with his tail. The stone behemoth staggered towards us from the strength of the hit. "Starfire! Blast him!" I barked out and she quickly complied. A beam of Starfire's energy pushed him over towards Cyborg and me. Acting quickly, we pinned him down as Starfire increased the power of her star beam and Beast Boy knocked him over as a rhino. We made sure to wrap the metal beams around his arms, legs and neck to ensure he couldn't escape._

" _Booyah! Nice job team!" Cyborg cheered as the other two made their way over to us._

" _Let's get some pizza!" Beast Boy whooped before shifting his gaze to Robin who had fallen unconscious. "Dude, what's wrong with him?" Starfire's eyes grew slightly wide, but she kept quiet._

" _Likely a concussion" I responded simply. "I'm going to take him back to the tower and heal him."_

" _We'll bring ya back some pizza!" Cyborg shouted as I flew into my portal levitating Robin behind me._

 _Using my powers, I laid him down on the cot in the infirmary. My legs were tender and bruises began to spread, but that doesn't matter now. My magic allowed me to quickly attach all the necessary machines to him. Thankfully, his vitals were stable. I put my hands on the sides of his head and began to channel his pain into me. The aching, the nausea, the blackness all consuming was mended. Then my mind touched a deeper part, one that I felt certain that I wasn't supposed to see. It was him and me, dancing at the gala that was thrown in our honor. Only the world around us was blurry and we were in vivid color. I concentrated harder on the healing process. We hadn't danced one song, instead he sat and talked with me to make sure I wasn't too lonely or bored that night. So why was this in his mind? "Raven…?" A gravelly voice choked out._

" _Shhh, Robin, you're hurt. I've healed you, but you've got to rest and let your body finish the job." With that I smoothed his hair back and administered a sleeping medication through his IV line. He fell asleep almost instantly and for good measure I gave him a dose of painkiller. I updated the rest of the Titans on his status, wet a cloth and wiped down the blood. There was nothing more to do except to keep watch over the monitors to make sure there was no change in his condition. After a quick trip upstairs for a book, some herbal tea and a fresh change of clothes for Robin when he woke up, I sat in one of the giant recliners in the med bay and got comfy._

 _Eventually, Cyborg came in to relieve me of my shift at around midnight. He claimed that I'd already done enough today and deserved a break. Honestly, after the fight with Cinderblock, myself getting banged up and now with a belly full of hot pizza, I wasn't going to argue. I blocked out the memory that I had unintentionally managed to pick up from Robin the best I could and soon fell asleep._

I already know where I'm most comfy and where I'd want it to happen: in the shower with meditation music and the calming lights with me lying down and him on top. I don't know why I'm feeling like this, but my loins are practically throbbing, aching for release. I want it (him?) so badly. I guess this is just something to expect when you're of a certain reproductive age.

I don't regret not losing my virginity when I was younger because it likely would've been with some douchebag who lasted like thirty seconds with a lot of pain and a whole lot of nothing except worry and regret for me. Especially after what happened to my mother, sex was just not something I ever considered. People had sex, people lost their virginity…not my mother, not me. My mother was raped and had me. I am a child of rape and that's something that I'll carry with me everywhere until the end of my days. So I don't regret it one little bit, but it seems now that I actually want it (with someone who'd never make a move without my consent), I can't get it. Oh well…story of my life. I'm sure that if I told him what I wanted and explained what was going on, he'd readily comply because I think he wants it too.

 _There it is…that strange feeling, pulling at the back end of my mind where our bond was comfortably nestled away from the turmoil and torment that plagues me. A silent flicker of hope in a torn and fractured pit of anguish. Its pulling me into peace, comfort and amiability. Or at least it used to, now its mixed confusion and mild perturbation. It happens whenever we lock eyes or sit near each other. I've noticed that lately, he's been away from Starfire. He hasn't been holding hands with her nor has he been on any dates with her for quite some time. Her usual perkiness was still readily apparent, but it seemed strained somehow. The first day I noticed, I merely raised a brow at him, but he just gave that same nonchalant smile to me. By the end of the first week though, when I got a few precious moments of peace, I finally confronted Robin. We'd just left the obstacle course; I had stayed behind to help move some debris into the garbage as he powered down the equipment._

" _Robin, what is going on? I sense your mind is troubled."_

 _It was some moments before he replied. "I'm sorry Raven."_

" _Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong, but you've been radiating such ill feelings that I couldn't help but pick up on them."_

 _I watched as he sheepishly stretched the back of his neck and adjusted his gloves. "Starfire and I broke up."_

" _I'm sorry."_

" _Its okay," he responded. "Its for the better, I have more time on my hands now and can focus on the things that are important to me."_

 _Something in my chest jumped at those words, but I quickly took in a silent breath and calmed it. We walked off in easy silence to the living room where Cyborg and Beast Boy were playing some racing game. Starfire cheered them on as she ate what looked like papaya dipped in mustard. Despite how heavy I could feel his heart was, there was something akin to optimism lurking in the background. What did it mean? I still ruminated on this fact trying to discreetly probe his feelings as we all gathered to watch 'The Godfather,' but came up empty. I didn't fall asleep that night until well into the morning._

My insides are practically pulsing with need. When we hugged earlier, I could feel his little puffs of breath that he exhaled as we held onto one another, it practically electrified my body and my senses. My awareness spiked; I became hypersensitive to everything around me…I still am. The urges in my body normally fade, but instead here we are. I don't even know how to cope. My body longs for his warmth, his touch, his expressions of love. Even thinking about it now is making me grow warm and long to be in his arms again. I…I want that, I'm craving that. I remember hearing that Ed Sheeran song on the radio in the car with the others, and he's right. People do fall in love in mysterious ways…is it love though? Or is it just longing? Whatever it is, I know that I want him. He's not at all what I thought I'd want my first time to be with. Not that I really ever considered it at length or with any real seriousness. But I trust him, I feel comfortable with him and I think, just maybe, he'd enjoy being with me.

I feel like I could be myself around him, feel confident and effortlessly beautiful. That hug earlier felt warmer somehow. I'm uncertain as to why, but maybe its my body responding since he confessed how he felt.

 _The next morning, I awoke around noon; I checked on Robin, who was still sleeping. According to Cyborg, there had been no change in his condition through the night. Grabbing some tea and a few strips of leftover bacon, I ate as I made my way to the roof to commence my morning meditation._

" _Raven? Raven?" A whisper from the back of my mind. "Raven?" No, not my mind, that's-_

" _Robin?" I asked turning and lowering myself to the ground. "How are you feeling?" The sun was almost beginning to set._

" _Pretty good thanks to you." He gave me a small smile. "Cyborg told me how you lead the team in defeating Cinderblock and then healed me."_

" _It was nothing," I brushed it off. "As long as you're okay."_

" _According to Cy, you stayed almost all night until he talked you into going to bed."_

 _I breathed out and suddenly feeling warm, pulled my hood up to obscure my features. "I had to ensure your vitals were stable. I was concerned that your injuries were greater than I anticipated." There that should suffice. Through our bond however, there was still unrest._

 _He let out a breath before taking a couple steps closer to me. "Raven, can I talk to you about something?" He asked almost- sheepishly. That's a word I never thought I'd use to describe Robin. I nodded sitting in the lotus position facing him. He did the same. "Look Raven, we've been friends for a long time now, and I feel closer to you than anyone else on the team." He began. Me? Not Starfire? But she is- was his girlfriend! That's odd to say the least, but I stayed quiet, allowing him to continue. "I've always valued our friendship and especially our bond immensely" he went on. "That's why I feel like I have to tell you, that I have feelings for you." Robin finished. A moment went by, then two, "look you don't have to reciprocate or anything, but I just felt you deserved to know." The tension that had steadily been building in my shoulders loosened slightly. So that explains the memory I'd accidentally pulled from him._

 _Truthfully, I had expected something along those lines, given what was happening with our bond. Just because I have very little experience with emotions, doesn't mean I couldn't identify them. I'm not a fool. I was afraid at some level because of my powers. Despite defeating Trigon, my powers were still controlled by my emotions. Again though, some part of me expected this. But expectation didn't prepare me in the least for how my body would react. My chest got lighter and a warmness spread through me. Robin must've taken my silence for fear because he spoke again, words coming out in a flurry. "Raven? Are you alright?"_

 _I sighed and let a smile onto my face in reassurance. "Robin, its okay…I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me how you felt. I appreciate that more than you'll ever know." For good measure, I put my pale hand over his green gloved one for a moment._

 _Robin gave my hand a small squeeze in return. "Thank you Raven, for everything." He pulled his hand back. As the silence filled the air between us, it was not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, then again why should it be? We were friends, had a bond, I expressed my gratitude for his revelation and he got to unburden his mind. That's nothing to be uncomfortable about. To be completely honest, out of everyone on the team, I'm glad that I was closest with Robin. Don't get me wrong, I am close with all of my friends (they each have their own special place in my heart), but Robin was someone that I could have a deeper level of friendship and understanding with._

 _We sat watching the sunset and the rolling ocean waves for a few more minutes before Robin spoke again. "Hungry? I'm cooking tonight. I'll make whatever you want." He grinned, offering me a hand to stand up._

 _I couldn't help but smile at him again. "Fish and roasted veggies?"_

" _Fish and roasted veggies it is then." Robin smiled, opening the door for me to go back into the tower._

Robin had come home earlier today. He'd been visiting Gotham for the past ten days, something about a "family matter" that he had to attend to. He was vague about it to be sure, but ever since being in his mind I knew the real reason. He went home to visit Batman. Fortunately, all had been pretty quiet around the tower. Crime was low. There were no natural disasters or anything of the sort. Starfire had managed to convince Beast Boy to go to the mall with her. Cyborg offered to drive them on the condition that they stop at the hardware store and pick up some BBQ on the way home. I'd had the tower to myself when he returned home. Despite the distance between Jump and Gotham, I could still feel his end of the bond and his feelings. When I'd tapped into it, it came forth like a surge. His excitement at getting back home to the tower was palpable even as he entered the living room. I was perched on the sofa with the Book of Azar (attempting to figure out if I could somehow blunt the effect of my emotions on my powers) and some hot tea.

" _Raven." He simply stated._

" _Hi Robin" I said standing up and making my way over to greet him. He dropped his bags and at that moment, our bond clicked. Both of us seemingly had the same idea as we latched onto each other, squeezing tightly. I was so wrapped up in the hug that I nearly missed what he whispered to me._

" _I really missed you Raven."_

 _My throat caught at hearing that and swallowing audibly, I responded, tightening my arms around his neck for emphasis. "I missed you too."_

 _It was some moments after we separated. Both of us stood watching each other. I cleared my throat. "So how was Gotham?"_

" _Was nice to return, but I couldn't wait to get back." Robin said with a pointed look at me. It wasn't awkward, but I felt at a loss for words. Luckily, Robin filled the ensuing hush. "How are the others? Was everything okay while I was gone?" I'm assuming by others he meant Starfire in particular, but I didn't voice it. I know he felt guilty about ending things with her. From what I'd gathered, he felt pressured into the relationship by Starfire's behavior towards him; I suppose thinking he could, in time, grow to hold the same affection for her as she clearly possessed for him. We did have a few brief discussions about it (as he claimed that I was the most easy member of the team to talk to). He filled me in on her behavior when we were separated in space. Robin hinted that he thought that she was being somewhat unreasonable in her expectations of him and her actions bordered on petty. He expressed worry over the team, friendship and forever altering the finely interwoven relationship we'd constructed with each other. At a loss for words (one of the few times in my life I'll add), I tried to keep it neutral and say that he had to take care of himself, first and foremost as our leader. I tried to assuage the worry in him by saying that everything with the team would just fall into place. Figuring I could probably talk to Starfire later during our 'girl time,' I attempted to assure him everything would be okay. And for the most part I was correct. Things were rocky initially, but as predicted we each rallied around our teammates and things turned out alright._

 _I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "They're okay. Starfire managed to rope Cyborg and Beast Boy into going to the mall with her."_

 _At hearing that, the corners of Robin's mouth turned up. "I'm glad things are okay."_

" _Crime was low and nothing major happened so you picked a good time to leave." I continued._

 _Robin nodded, stepping into the kitchen. "Hey, you mind if I have some of your tea? I'm tired from the ride."_

" _Not at all, help yourself." I commented leaning against the counter, trying to force some thoughts to the back of my mind. That hug…_

" _WE'RE NOT USING MY SPECIAL SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR NASTY TOFU!"_

" _DUDE! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT?"_

 _The elevator dinged and the trio stepped off, Cyborg carrying several large takeout containers. Starfire was holding a tray of drinks and Beast Boy trailed behind looking annoyed._

" _Boys! Please do not fight! We can- Robin! You are back!" She sounded happy and a grin spread itself onto her face. She set the drinks down and flew over to hug him. He returned it briefly before bumping fists with Cy and high fiving Beast Boy who oddly enough, hugged him too._

" _Hey Robbie! We brought BBQ! I'll make some peach cobbler to celebrate!"_

" _And I shall make the traditional Tamaranean glorbschulf, the pudding of reunification!"_

 _Beast Boy immediately put his hands up and turned even greener if that was possible. "Yo Star why don't we just help Cyborg? I'm too hungry to keep waiting!" He went to the fridge. "You can help me with my tofu."_

 _Starfire clapped her hands lightly. "I shall!"_

 _Cyborg's voice boomed. "For the last time we're not putting MY sauce on that tofu!"_

 _Their banter faded into the background as my eyes met Robin's again. He sent me a smile in thanks. Through our bond, I sent him a silent 'I told you so' a smirk finding its way onto my face at that. I grabbed my tea and book and turned to leave the living room. "Where are you going?" Robin asked ignoring the ruckus in the background._

" _To meditate, I'll be back when dinner's ready." I said hurriedly trying to slow my pounding heart._

It was the first time I'd seen him alone since I've known about his feelings. We held onto each other so tightly and so much longer than normal. In those moments, my tension evanesced as I held him. I think it was mutual because he relaxed into me and let out a calming breath as he squeezed me tighter. Shivers are still running up my spine when I think of his breath tickling my ear and neck. Despite my cloak and the end of summer warmth still lingering in my room, I can feel goosebumps ripple form my legs and arms and across my back. As I'm laying here, I can almost feel his body on mine, uniting us in every way possible sharing warmth, love and the feelings we had.

Now staring out the window, I can dream of us laying in bed with the cool fall air lightly ghosting over our entwined heated bodies. A light misty rain tapping our heated skin. We'd gaze into each others eyes sharing some light kisses, fingers gently tracing random patterns, despite our earlier actions we'd still be sensitive and needy for each other and we'd do it again. We'd laugh in bed, hold each other and wonder why we'd waited so long to express our feelings for each other. We'd be totally at peace, neither one of us ever thinking we'd be living our lives like this, unsure of what exactly happened, but glad for the way it all turned out. The weight of the world and our lives would be lifted for some blissful time of knowing what its like to be okay with the world. We'd spend so many days like this, not looking at each other from afar and watch as we maybe lived our lives with other people and only chose to stay friends. We'd never wonder what was to be, never living with hearts weighed down by the burdensome bulk of regret. Even he'd be content never knowing what our lives would've been like without each other. We would fall asleep to each other's breathing as rain drops lightly hit the window pane and never have to say 'I miss what we almost had.'

I let out a breath and floated down to lay on my bed. Out of instinct, I wrapped myself around one of my pillows. I can almost feel my body begin to ache again, there is a deep hollowness in the pit of my stomach. I look to my pillow and imagine its him. Its his warm arms around me, body melding into mine. It'd be wonderful to have him with me. Whenever I desired, I could tighten my grip around him, roll him over, hold him and kiss him; I could feel completely okay expressing my emotions and my love for him knowing that just being me is enough. There'd be no need to change or alter myself in any way. I'd be completely accepted without question. I could cuddle, curl in close and hope he rested his hand on that one part of my waist. I could lay my head on his solid comforting chest and listen to the solid thump-thump of his heartbeat with his fingers tangling softly into my hair. He'd gaze happily into my eyes with a small smile tugging at his lips before he'd lean into me for an ardent kiss.

Now that I'm propped up by my pillows, I can almost feel him atop me, hands gently skimming the dip of my waist as searing lips leave a conflagrant path of kisses along the side of my neck as I push him close, the muscles in his back rippling slightly as he works me over making my abdomen long for him. I'd grin slightly and giggle at his relentless assault of affection; he would join in. Both of us in the back of our minds wondering why we never did this sooner. Admitted how we felt and been there for each other at such a deeper level all those years ago? Why did we foolishly waste so much time wondering what the other would think? Second guessing our friendship and its ability to survive (after it had survived the end of the world as we know it)? Endless ruminating over the reaction the others would have had one of us said something sooner?

As we gazed into each others' eyes, we'd silently agree that despite all the time we could've had together, we have each other now and that's good enough.

Our first kiss would be vehemently passionate. His lips against mine, soft, yet slightly dry and chapped…warm, worn and tasting of the slightest hint of rich, tingly cinnamon. He'd hold onto the back of my head trying to pull more of me into him. My arms would wrap around his broad shoulders that had given me unspoken solace so many times before. My body fitting so elegantly against his as we unloaded all the feelings that we had for each other into the kiss. All the frustration of thinking we'd held emotions that went unrequited, never thinking we'd get the chance to share them with one another, to journey together into an area we'd so often visited alone thinking that we'd never encounter one another…but we'd be there. We'd be there together. Maybe, just maybe, we'd be okay and forever grateful for revealing our feelings to each other.

I tug my pillow closer, huddling around it, trying to recapture the picture in my mind. I can almost feel the warmth settling in my chest and the tension unknit itself from my body. as I close my eyes and breathe out a sigh. Its funny, I could sometimes dream of being carried off safe in the arms of someone to fulfill our love, revel in mutual pleasant feelings and erase all of the delightful anticipation, turning it into something tangible. I could never see the face, but now I can so easily picture it being him. It's as if it was always there. Its not at all how I thought it would feel…this love (if it even is love, but I don't know what else to call it). It's not at all what I thought it would be. It's not having my head in the clouds, being unable to sleep, suddenly having him at the forefront of my mind and not being able to concentrate or focus on anything else. It's not suddenly making the sun come out and the sky being less gray. Seeing each other wouldn't make everything somehow magically better, but internally we'd lower our defenses, share our dreams and be able to be our completely authentic selves around each other. The world wouldn't seem quite as daunting because I've got my best friend there with me.

Cyborg's voice called for dinner, I walked quietly into the living room and watched the scene before me. Robin and I locked eyes. He smiled, gesturing for me to come over and take the seat next to him. Against my will, I let out a little smile as I sat down beside him. Yes I wanted to be with him, yearned for him, longed for him…

But I'm not foolish enough to believe that things work out the way we want them to.


End file.
